Monday, 29 October 2007

Train of Thought

Hello my dears. Sorry your Auntie Marteen has not been around for you recently. I have been preoccupied with some rather weighty matters, and I also went away for the weekend. I am in dairy mood today, sorry I meant to say diary, I just seem to have milk chocolate on the brain for some reason. But I must make another comment about the "McCann Circus" first. It's easy money, and that Photofit was such a gift. I have seen fellow commentators on their knees, praising their God for such a bounty of riches.
I have a vision of a piece on Crimewatch covering this new development. "Have you seen this well drawn pair of shoes loitering with intent near the McCann's hotel room" or "Do you recognise this very absent face which could have been in the vicinity of the crime scene?
I visited my old colleague Hester at the weekend. A most enjoyable excursion. Many years ago we were both involved in teaching. She still is. Unfortunately the "incident" involving some of the senior girls at my school means I am not. Not only did the School Board sack me, they obtained a restraining order preventing me from going within 50 yards of any of the pupils. I only wanted to give the girls a more "rounded" education. At least, that's what I told the Judge!
Hester now lives in darkest England, but it is only a few hours away by train.
We enjoyed some long conversations, went out for a few light refreshments and she introduced me to her puppies. Very interesting.
I haven't seen her for over a decade so it was great getting back together again. In fact we got on so well she is planning to come up and see me soon. I aim to take her to my beloved Damhead for an afternoon. We could visit the llamas and then possibly drop in on Mr Osama Bin Smith. He is such a charming man and I am sure he would delight in serving us afternoon tea. He has had so many of these AK-47 things delivered now that him and his friends must have at least two each. I wonder what they are going to do with them all? It is a mystery.
This weekend has been fun. I think Hester and I could be spending a lot of time together in future. If you know what I mean. Ooooh!

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

1 Pin Bowling

Got up this morning. And promptly fell over! Clearly last night's sherry ration has worn off by now so there must be another reason. There is. And I have touched on this problem before. I suffer from "Douglas Bader Syndrome". This rare condition causes my legs to turn into a mixture of wood and jelly. Not as tasty as it sounds. They do this and then revert to something more supportive, at will. As a consequence of the recent excitement in my life (which aggravates the condition) I am covered in cuts, bruises and sore bits. On the upside I can now fly a Spitfire despite never having had any training. Next time I will cover "Adolph Hitleritis". Sufferers have an uncontrollable urge to eat bratwurst and take over the world. Damn you World War Two types and your strange afflictions......

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

So, I can write longer posts if I get up off my arse

Drew a total blank in "Famous Author Land" today. They haven't even started constructing any rides yet. That's builders for you.
I am still going to drop a name, or two, or three, though. Robert is a keen rugby fan. He even bought a South African strip before their match with England last weekend, although he normally supports Scotland. When I told him I had visited the "Hastings Household" he got very excited. I personally prefer Formula One. All these fit, fast young men in overalls. What's not to like! Not sure what that thing they do with cars is all about though.
Getting back to Robert, the "Hastings Household" produced two of Scotlands most famous rugby Internationalists, Gavin and Scott. My brother would also like to point out he went to school with another famous Scottish rugby player, Andy Irvine. He is a bit nerdy that way. I wish he would set up his own blog so I don't have to keep doing his bidding. I do love him really, but don't tell him that, because it would spoil the fun I have winding him up (although we are hoping to have him converted to that new fangled "electricty" stuff soon).
I am a total wreck at the moment but I wanted to communicate with my public because they need me. Shades of Norma Desmond, or what? On top of the unexpected positive "emotional" experiences I have been having recently I am deeply worried about my mothers health. I like to do "light and frothy" with you guys but I have my dark moments, just like any other feeling person. If you like drama, as I do, you know it involves light and shade. That is very much how my life is running at the moment. I find writing very cathartic at times and I guess the tears currently rolling down my cheeks confirm that.

It has been brought to my attention recently that there are people who think my assertions about meeting famous authors are not entirely accurate. I am very hurt. My dressmaking involves me varying between "slight embroidery" and "total fabrication" but my blogging is 100% wholemeal, no added salt, truth.

I will publish my autoghraph from JK Rowling very soon. Then my detracters will be sorry!

Sunday, 21 October 2007

She's Luverly

So, Dumbledore is gay. Can't wait for Hermione to "come out"! You know where to find me dear.

Thursday, 18 October 2007

Ice Me Up Baby

So, Paris Hilton wants to be frozen when she dies. Why wait that long!

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

Politics, Schmolitics.

Have been tied up with matters of an emotional nature lately. I think things have sorted themselves out now, and everything is cool. I hope so. She's worth it. So I am ready to do an old fashioned Marteen (I hope you like the revised header. I just can't resist the temptation to play with words) style rant. I know it's what you love me best for. I haven't done one for a while. I must be getting soft in my old age. And therein lies a subject.

I was driving down the leafy lanes of Damhead today, enjoying the dying embers of the summer weather, and trying in vain to root out some vice and depravity for your delectation, when I suddenly recalled the political bombshell of a couple of day ago. More on that soon.

I don't normally do politics because in Britain it has become so bland and homogenised, as has our society. But that is a post for another day. US politics are much more fun. They have the Republicans and the Democrats who represent widely different viewpoints. One lot are a bunch of gun toting Holy Willies, and the other lot hug trees and love gays. You can see a slightly different emphasis there though, can't you ? Our lot just "fade to grey". A song by Visage in the 80's if I remember rightly. Where American politics start to scare me is when they appoint a leader who is variously described as "a glorified houseplant" and "chowderhead" by two Bloggers I respect (Where are you Max. You never call. You never write). Not only that, he seems to have power over Assembly to do what ever he wants.
If you have dropped into my blog to share knitting patterns with me at this time, you have probably picked the wrong day! There will be others.

A long time ago now I remember I was going to talk about the sad demise of Sir Menzies ( pronounced Mingiss in Scotland) Campbell from the leadership of the Lib-Dem party. He had problems from the start. This is not due to his competence, he is a very experienced statesman, it is sadly because he is not young and "sexy" enough for our very pervasive, and invasive, media. There are journalists I admire for their wit and ability. I know one now. I knew one up until five years ago when he was tragically killed in a car crash. But the paparazzi can be scum. Making money off the back of people's misfortune. It's outside my moral code.
I have got myself in a bit of a lather. I don't normally do politics, it has been a pleasant, but enjoyable departure. You know I do social comment. It is an important subject to me.
I have taken up a new hobby to help me unwind from this intense blogging thing. Jigsaws. I just got a new one today. I am going to go away and start it. It has 1000 pieces and is entitled "Empty Sky". I may be away some time.

Friday, 12 October 2007

Monkey Business (Revised)

I was recently reading the blog of LK, a thing I am wont to do, and was interested to note that she says some people do not write their own blogs. It got me to thinking about the whole spectre of ghostwriting. "Spectre of ghostwriting", I sometimes almost impress myself with my wit, because I have a habit of understatement. You lot must be gobsmacked by it. Anyway,it seems us bloggers are not always what we purport to be. There is so much trickery in the world and it would appear it has permeated the blogosphere. Her post has prompted me to hold up my hand and to say I am not what I seem. I have a dark secret and my honest nature impels me to come clean with you all. I DO NOT WRITE MY OWN BLOG. Should you be in possession of a working crucifix this would be a good time to press it against the screen and pray fervently for my soul. I feel ashamed, but it is the truth. My posts are put together by a group of monkeys with typewriters. Could explain a lot, I hear people say. They (the monkeys) recently, and successfully, finished their attempt at duplicating the complete works of Shakespeare. OK, it took over 350 years and the use of a time machine and some dodgy stem cell research, but I think it was worth it. They were at a loose end when I first met them but after I had given them the remit for writing my blog they seemed very enthusiastic. Although they write the blog I still have editorial control. I have to "fine tune" some of their work, or "totally rewrite the crap they produce" as others say, but it is fun. The pleasure I see on their white hairy faces when they submit a blog post is priceless. For everything else there is that naff credit card that keeps getting advertised on the TV. Have to go now because I need to nip down to the local store for some bananas. I seem to be buying a lot of them lately!

Monday, 8 October 2007

I'm Coming Out

As the proceedings started, the room quietened to an expectant hush. A pin dropping would have been deafening. A circle of chairs had been assembled in the middle. Each one contained a nervous occupant, desperate not to break the silence. After a short while, a woman gestured to another across the room that she wanted her to stand up. This she duly did, slowly. After what seemed like an age she said, in a brittle and strained voice," My name's Martyne. I'm a Blogaholic". So that was my first night at Blogaholics Anonamous. Hope you liked the added drama I threw in at no extra cost. Next part of my life to get a makeover is my drink habit ( was that a huge sigh of relief I heard).
A couple of important things have happened to me just recently. Both of them came about through blogging, so I don't want to give it up entirely, just turn the wick down a bit and get on with other stuff. Firstly I read a post which I found very inspiring. Beautifully crafted and enjoyable. It made me realise I have got into a self-centred rut. The world does not revolve around me, which is probably a blessing for civilisation in general.
I don't currently have a partner but that has not always been the case. Although I have never "tied the knot"I have had my moments. I had given up on this side of my life until the other thing happened. Affection for another person is a gradual process with me. It creeps up on me slowly until I can consciously start to feel it gently tug at my heart strings. Gosh, that was pretty lyrical and deep by my standard!
And that is the situation I am currently in with another blogger. Don't know if it is the words she uses, the way she uses them or just the general sense of "her" that I get. The fact that she is complimentary about my writing can probably be thrown into the mix as well. Don't know what direction it is going to take either. But it is definitely there. After my recent bout of negativity and introversion it is elating to realise I can feel that way about another person.
Going to have lots to tell the guys at next weeks BA meeting!

Monday, 1 October 2007

What 'ave We Ear Then?

It seems our shores have been invaded by a new malaise. Sightings are on the increase and it is probably only a matter of time before the whole thing reaches epidemic proportion. Medics have been gearing up in anticipation of this threat for some time, and now it seems, their plans will soon be put to the test. I refer to the condition of "Bluetooth". I have sought sound medical advice and am told there are two easy ways of spotting the poor souls who are suffering from this affliction. Firstly they will exhibit an ugly swelling attached to one of their ears. Please resist your natural temptation to whip out a scalpel and slice it off for them. You may see it as a kindness, but these people can turn nasty and try to bite your ankles before you know what is happening to you! The second symptom is even more worrying. The sufferers of this condition are likely to go about their daily business and suddenly start a conversation with themselves! Please keep children away from these people. I would hate these innocents to be stricken with the same complaint.