Sunday, 30 September 2007

Salad Days

I'm in a whimsical mood today. The above pic (thanks again Annette (hope the belly dancing this weekend in Bognor goes well)) is of two of the Jacobs sheep I see when I am delivering to Damhead. It has taken years, but they will now come quite close to me. A neighbour feeds them BREAD! And they love it.
The title of this piece comes from a Julian Slade musical. He went to Cambridge and was involved with the Footlights, who regularly perform at the Edinburgh Festival. I am shortly going to expound about Cambridge, but I first have to give credit to the originator of "Salad Days", a Mr W Shakespeare of Stratford Upon Avon. Good on you sir.
I have been recently musing about my time at Girton. It was one of the best periods of my life and I just want to share it with you. One of my greatest pleasures was driving about in my little Mini and exploring the shire. English country pubs are the bestest in the world. I even found one which sold "Nooky Broon" (Newcastle Brown Ale) my next favourite to sherry. Most nights I would drive to a chip shop which sold unusual fish. Not just your boring haddock and cod but sole and hake and others. Then I'd take my meal and motor down to "The Backs". This refers to the fact that some of the colleges back onto the river Cam (hence the name Cambridge). I would sit on the grassy banks eating my fish and chips (or fish supper as we call it in Scotland) and watch the fellow students punting on the river. A "punt" is a vessel similar to a gondola in Venice. It is propelled in a similar way, by use of a pole. Heady days.

Friday, 28 September 2007

Letter Bomber Et Al

In case my last post made no sense to you (no change there then) I will explain. Shilpa Shetty was " arrested" at Mumbai airport recently. It seems the Hindus are jealous of the Christians and Muslims for cornering the market in religious bigotry so they have picked on Shilpa's snog with Richard Gere (originated by him), weeks ago, in an effort to increase their share. Get a life, the lot of you.
I love Teresa (the sister of a good friend) for her disdaining ability but I am going to go much further than that. Criminal and arsepiece (you know I am upset when I resort to language like that) Miles Cooper has been found guilty on eleven counts. They relate to him sending letter bombs. Sending packages through the post that will explode when opened by the recipient is obviously bad in sane peoples books. Yesterday I was loading a package into my van and it burst open as I was handling it. Luckily it only contained a bottle of spring water. But what if had been one of Mr Cooper's bombs! I am only the messenger but I could have been "shot". Let the bastard rot in jail for a long, long time.

Shilpa Schmilpa

I am not a major fan of Ms Shetty,she's far too attractive for my liking, but give her a break guys. OK, she had a bit of a snog with Richard Gere at that charity gig. I have to say.It got people's attention to the cause. And I am jealous.
Take care my dears.

Saturday, 22 September 2007


A fellow blogger wrote some very complimentary words about me recently. I am deeply touched and have written back to thank her. This incident got me thinking about my whole blog experience. I love language, I'm creative and I like to communicate. All basics I would like to see in any Blogger. And then there is my sense of humour ( or humor, just for you LK). As you can see I can do straight, but humour is always waiting in the wings. I can't help myself. From feedback I have had, it seems my attempts even succeed occasionally. I am totally gobsmacked at the whole global camaraderie of it all. I have "met" people from lots of places I will probably never visit. Awesome. I set out with the simple hope of being noticed. To get praise is cake icing I never expected to receive. I like it, and I want more. To that end, I have started writing my acceptance speech(es) for the "Bloggies". I hope to be nominated in the category of "Best Newcomer". Probably going to have a lot of stiff competition. I live in hope though. I reckon the "Bloggy" for "Best Sherry Fueled Blogger" on the other hand, is mine for the taking. As is traditional, I will be thanking various people who have helped me along the way. There is the afore mentioned blogger who I will thank for her kindly words. I would like to thank my mum. Not for the corny "for having me" reason. It was her that got me involved with computing. It's a long and not very interesting story so I will spare you the details. And lastly I would like to thank my old pal Deacon Barry. It was him that encouraged me to start Blogging, so if you're looking for a scapegoat, he's your man! Take care my dears.

Friday, 21 September 2007


I was discussing Damhead with a customer today, and bemoaning its lack of exciting lawlessness. He came up with a very interesting hypothesis. His idea was that the area would be a good hideout for a terrorist cell. It might be secluded enough to evade the detection of the security forces. When I thought about his comments I did start to wonder about one of my customers. Mr Osama Bin Smith at No. 42 does seem to lead an unusual life style. He gets a lot of packages of sugar and weedkiller delivered to him and his "lodgers". I presume they are just very sweet-toothed gardening fanatics. He frequently gets boxes labelled "AK 47 Made in Russia" delivered. Not sure what they contain but his face always lights up when I deliver them. He seems a bit eccentric, but I am sure he is not into blowing up things, unlike a friend of mine. But his inflateable "pal" seems to make him very happy so who am I to criticise.

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

On Yer Bike

Meant to say last week that I have given bicycle riding a go for the first time in years. It has sat out on the landing for longer than I would like to admit but I thought it was time to give it another try. Although my balance problems involve my legs rather than my ears I am still jerky and apprehensive about cycling. As it happened I was able to go up and down my street without too much trouble. I was a bit wobbly ( and I swear I had not touched any sherry that day Diana) but I did it. I am pleased. I was certainly better dressed than the ladies in the picture, although the gentlemen around them don't seem to mind! Talking of ladies and things that can wobble, maybe I wasn't but I was certainly thinking about it. The gorgeous Fern Britton is on the cover of Woman this week. It appears she has been loosing weight. Don't do this girl! I have some girlfriends who are proud to be comfortably upholstered women in an age of stick insects. They look up to you. Please don't let them down. This isn't coming from me. I'm slim. I just want my friends to be happy and not beat themselves up about their bodies. (As a codicil: I always like to give photographers credit but I have no idea who took this one).

Monday, 17 September 2007

Finally Done It

It seems I have finally got my head round the uploading of pics thing. About time too. The animal in the foreground is called Polo. As you can see he is a llama. Not the sort of animal you come across frequently in the Scottish countryside. He lives on a smallholding, with three of his relatives, in Damhead. He has a habit of walking up to you and pressing his nose up against yours. Sadly he has yet to discover breath freshener! Alternatively he might shove his muzzle up into your armpit. It must be some sort of llama thing. On a different note altogether, is it just me, or are there other people with Blogspot experiencing spurious bits of German filtering onto their pages? I don't mean common stuff like zeitgeist or kindergarten, I mean real non-understandable German! And last, but certainly not least, a big thank you to my good pal Annette for providing the picture.

Sunday, 16 September 2007

Fond Farewell

I am not a fan of nationalism but when a sports star who also happens to be Scottish dies I take note. Not a fan of football either but our team beat the mighty French on their home soil earlier this week so I am already swelled with as much national pride as I can muster. It would appear that Colin McRae, former world rally champion, has died in an horrific helicopter crash. It is so bad that the police can't even tell how many people were in it. My brother was involved in the rally world so I have known about this man for many years. I am not one to have heroes as such, but I admire sports stars and am very saddened at the passing of someone I have grown to admire.

Saturday, 15 September 2007

Martyne Invents

I have just invented a new board game called Ludrico. It's a sort of Cluedo (Clue if you live in North America (thanks yet again Wiki)) for modern times. I have tried it out and the result was very interesting. Apparently Madeleine McCann was murdered-by her parents-in the bedroom-with the sleeping pills. Who would have thought it!

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Tangled Web Etc.

My exuberance from yesterday has melted. A lot of sad things have happened since then. Obviously it was the 6th anniversary of 9/11. Probably the single most atrocious moment in the history of the human race. Others can comment more eloquently than myself, so I will move on. The "McCann circus" is still in town, and things get even weirder. I feel sorry (a bit) for those who have supported the parents. I think my beloved JK is one of them. Could be why she was less than chirpy yesterday. My advice to anyone is don't jump on a bandwagon unless you are prepared to accept that the risk of being humiliated could be greater than that of you profiting from it. This is not directed at anyone in particular. It is simply a piece of advice from someone who knows. And then there is Ellie Lawrenson. We know for certain that she is dead. A devil dog tore her to pieces. And what became of the woman in charge of them both (that bitch Jacqueline Simpson, and I don't use that word lightly)? The court let her off. WHAT!!!!! So it is OK to smoke lots of joints, get pissed on wine and let a vicious dog loose in the same room as a young girl. It seems culpability and responsibility are old fashioned words. "Sorry the little girl got ripped apart, but I was out of my head at the time." Not Simpson's words, but I could believe the drugged up boozer could say that. So that's OK. Isn't it?

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

A Fan

It seems I have a new fan. Chris recently left me a very nice message. It seems he/she/it has something very important to say to me and would like to have my e-mail address in order to express it. Of course dear,I am all ears.

It is I am happy to know that you will end your days in a place you will find very uncomfortably hot, you spammer.

Triple Whammy

I was in "Famous Author Land" today at work. It's hard work for the first two hours. A lot of mail to sort. There is a large mental hospital (they haven't managed to catch me yet thankfully) a big school, a university and the SAS. Not, unfortunately the guys that run around in sexy battle dress but the Scottish Ambulance Service. They still wear uniform, so it is not a total disappointment. This must be one of the longest preambles I have ever written. To get down to business, I had items to deliver to my Holy Trinity of famous authors today. Namely Alexander McCall-Smith, Ian Rankin and J K Rowling. Ian Rankin proved elusive as usual. I think he is just too interseting (if a bit lacking in the jolly stakes) and should stay in more. I met Alexander's wife when I walked down their path, so was denied the potential of meeting him. Lovely lady though, and I don't apportion any blame towards her. But the best call was JK. I had a couple of packages for her husband but, unusually, it was her that answered my buzz. And it gets better. She opened the gate and met me at her door. And best of all, she gave me her autograph. OK it was a signature for a Recorded Delivery item but how many people of her fame have signed a bit of paper for you? I have got a copy made of it. Thanks to the guys at Harry Mendelssohn for making that possible. A lovely bunch of people. When I get my head round the technology involved I will post it.

Sunday, 9 September 2007

I am Famousish II

Before my head swells to the point of exploding I need to say this. I have now discovered that I have lots of entries in Google and am therefore mega famousish!

I'm Famousish

Just went and Googled "Martyne" for fun and I am knocked out. Firstly there is a whole world of Martynes. I honestly thought I was the only one with a name so spelled. Even better, there is an entry linking to me. How cool is that. I am on Google! Now all I have to do is get an entry in Wikipedia and I will die a very happy woman. Hopefully not too soon. The dying bit, that is.

Stardom Beckons

So the whole Madeleine McCann bandwagon has motored off in yet another direction. I'm back in serious mode, in case you hadn't realised. Now the parents are suspects. You couldn't write stuff this good if you tried. Who will be first to capitalise on it? Will Fox bring out a new series called "The McCanns" or will Hollywood trump them with "Madeleine, the movie"! And somewhere in the background is a poor little four year old girl. She might be alive. She might be dead. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter anymore. And that is a sad reflection on us all. Did I forget to mention I do caustic? Now you know.

Never mind the three R's. Here's the three S's.

I've already done serious today. I've also done silly. So to complete the trilogy I give you surreal. The more alert amongst you will have noted my "Buttered Toast/Cat" debate. I have to thank deacon for pointing out that it is indeed on Wiki. Search for "buttered cat paradox". But be quick, they are trying to delete it, the spoilsports. My new "posit"
(bought that word in a box named "Little Used" for 10p in a local jumble sale recently)is thus. How come Teflon (thanks NASA)the non-stick stuff, sticks to the inside of pans?
P.S. I started this post yesterday, if that makes any sense. Not that I usually do! Not even to me.

Saturday, 8 September 2007

Cats Not What I Expected

I recently saw a trailer for a film called "Czech Pussy". I was looking forward to a documentary about East European felines but I was sadly mistaken. The young ladies involved certainly had very affectionate natures. They seemed to show their love for each other in a very physical way. Isn't art a great thing?

Foot and Mouth, or Foot in Mouth.

Our foot and mouth outbreak seems to be over. Thank de lawd, even though I don't believe in him. I think we need to have a serious look at Pilbright. It is a facility shared by the Government agency Institute of Animal Health and a private company Merial. The HSE cannot, or will not, say which is culpable, for whatever reasons. Draw your own conclusions. I criticised the government's handling of the last outbreak but I think they got up off their arses and sorted this one well, even if their own institute is possibly to blame!

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Still Me

Decided to give the site a bit of a make-over. Hope you guys are OK with that. Could have gone for girly pink, but I am too much of a tomboy for that. All comments welcome.

My Dog is Lovely!

This post definitely fits the "PP" remit. And then some. A woman is currently in court in Merseyside following the death of her granddaughter. This poor wee mite was ripped to shreds by the woman's pit bull terrier. And I mean shreds. 72 injuries! When you add in the fact that the dog has a history of attacking people and other dogs, plus the woman had allegedly been taking drink and drugs that day, you are looking at a disaster just waiting to happen. No rocket science involved here.The woman let the dog in the house because it had been "scared by fireworks". So the dog's well being came before that of the little girl. Be very glad you never had a granny like her! The police handlers ended up shooting the animal because they, professionals, thought the dog too dangerous to deal with. So how could a boozed up and drugged person possibly control such a beast? I love animals but we harbour potential killers in our midst and we don't seem to have the sense or the will to do anything effective about it. I was menaced by a couple of Rottweilers at work recently and it was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I really thought I was a goner. To make things worse another little girl was killed by two similar dogs less than a week later! My message is simple. Get rid of these devil dogs. In an age of "safety" (a subject for another day) it is absolute lunacy to allow these creatures amongst us. How many little girls have to be slaughtered before we get our act together?

Monday, 3 September 2007

Me Normal?

Well, I'm pretty much back to normal today, or as normal as I get, which isn't very. Just thank de lawd that you're not a boozed up old bat with sexuality issues. Last weekend put a few zeros on the end of my Kleenex bill! Going to do a "Posit" today although it is a bit of a cheat, but this problem does happen when I am working. What I want to know is (and this isn't a rhetorical question) why do gulls make so much damn noise? Other birds can go about their business and only emit the odd tweet, but gulls seem to feel the need to screech the whole day long. One outside my window is doing it right now. Why do these "flying rats" feel the need to be so vocal? Another big question confounding me is of a mechanical nature. If cats always land feet downwards and toast always lands butter side downwards, what would happen if you tied a piece of toast to the back of a cat, butter side up, and dropped them? These are important questions that I need to have answers for. Even the mighty Wikipedia has failed me. I need help. But if you have ever read me before you have probably already come to that conclusion!

Sunday, 2 September 2007

Am I Cracking Up?

What is wrong with me? Thought I was too old for the hormone thing. Guess I miscalculated. I have been pigging out on YouTube (and shouldn't even know what that is at my age) and my lacrimal glands (tearducts to the uninitionated) have been doing the Samba. You've gotta check out the BBC trail(er) based on "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed. Brilliant. No other word will suffice. And don't even get me started on Heather "I've got a large pair of bazookas and a sexy voice" Small.

Saturday, 1 September 2007

More Tearful Stuff

Just been watching an old episode of "House". Usually he saves the day and the patients go on to act in another series. But not this time (OK she died, but I am sure she will work again). I suppose this might be why I found this one so harrowing, but I think it is mainly because I am in an emotional mood today. It cracked me up. But although I always find his one-liners so brilliant, I use the phrase in the "made me sad" sense. I love medical dramas, even if they don't contain George Clooney, although I would prefer it! No change there then.

New Diary

Lots going on with me at the moment and I had thought about a super-rant but have decided to be lenient and feed it to you in bight sized pieces. The first one goes thus. My "Damhead Diary" has died a death simply because the protection rackets and vice dens I was hoping for simply don't exist. These people are just too damn wholesome. So I have come up with a new idea. People seem to be interested in my current job so I am going to initiate "Postie's Posits". The more alert grammar fans will detect a continuation of the alliterative theme. So I go up to a door this morning with a "Special Delivery" letter. To the rest of the world this means Registered Post. I ring the bell (which I can clearly hear) and wait. Nothing. So I ring it again, and give a big long push. Still nothing, therefore I am forced to put a notice through the letterbox and return the item to the office. In order to "guarantee" that this little letter is delivered before 9am someone paid £11.25! What a waste. I could have bought a bottle of sherry for that! But being serious, the money could been used to help someone starving, or disease ridden, or it could have helped stop a child or an animal being abused. It could have helped to stop me weeping buckets at the senseless waste, like I am now.